Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
