My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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