Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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