somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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