This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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