my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
