He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
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She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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