I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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