alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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