There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
