Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
