i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
