I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
