He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
