You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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