She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
