I need help removing her.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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