please come you make the beer taste better
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
