Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
