I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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