my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
