I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
