i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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