morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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