I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
