the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
