I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
