Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize