I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
