my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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