Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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