They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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