I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
dude. I can hear the air.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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