I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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