I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
