I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
