I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
