at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
