I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There r osticjed everywhere
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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