You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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