My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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