Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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