how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you had me at cake vodka
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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