Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
