sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
