Porn is love you can see.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
