I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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