hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
