How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
