Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
