She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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