wanna go halves on a baby?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
