For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
