Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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