update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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