I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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